He couldn't track a bed-wagon through a bog hole.

He was ugly as a burnt boot.

His mustache smelled like a mildewed saddle blanket after it had been rid on a soreback hoss three hundred miles in August.

His family tree was a shrub.

He ain't fit to shoot at when you want to unload and clean yo' gun.

He was so dumb he couldn't drive nails in a snowbank.

He don't know as much about it as a hog does a sidesaddle.

He knows as much about it as a hog does a hip pocket in a bathing suit.

He don't know dung from wild honey.

He didn't have nuthin' under his hat but hair.

His brain cavity wouldn't make a drinkin' cup for a canary bird.

He was as shy of brains as a terrapin is of feathers.

He's as crazy as popcorn on a hot stove.

He couldn't hit the ground with his hat in three throws.

His face was puckered like wet sheepskin before a hot fire.

He can't tell skunks from house cats.

She's so ugly, she could back a buzzard off a gut-wagon.

He was so ugly he had to sneak up on a dipper to get a drink of water.

He was so fat, you'd have to throw a diamond hitch to keep him in the saddle.

He was so mean, he'd fight a rattler and give him the first bite.

He was mean enough to eat off the same plate with a snake.

He's so crooked, he could swaller nails an' spit out corkscrews.

He was so lazy, molasses wouldn't run down his legs.

He was grittin' his teeth like he could bite the sites off a six-gun.

He's as crooked as a snake in a cactus patch.