He couldn't track a bed-wagon through a bog hole.
He was ugly as a burnt boot.
His mustache smelled like a mildewed saddle blanket after it had been rid on a soreback hoss three hundred miles in August.
His family tree was a shrub.
He ain't fit to shoot at when you want to unload and clean yo' gun.
He was so dumb he couldn't drive nails in a snowbank.
He don't know as much about it as a hog does a sidesaddle.
He knows as much about it as a hog does a hip pocket in a bathing suit.
He don't know dung from wild honey.
He didn't have nuthin' under his hat but hair.
His brain cavity wouldn't make a drinkin' cup for a canary bird.
He was as shy of brains as a terrapin is of feathers.
He's as crazy as popcorn on a hot stove.
He couldn't hit the ground with his hat in three throws.
His face was puckered like wet sheepskin before a hot fire.
He can't tell skunks from house cats.
She's so ugly, she could back a buzzard off a gut-wagon.
He was so ugly he had to sneak up on a dipper to get a drink of water.
He was so fat, you'd have to throw a diamond hitch to keep him in the saddle.
He was so mean, he'd fight a rattler and give him the first bite.
He was mean enough to eat off the same plate with a snake.
He's so crooked, he could swaller nails an' spit out corkscrews.
He was so lazy, molasses wouldn't run down his legs.
He was grittin' his teeth like he could bite the sites off a six-gun.
He's as crooked as a snake in a cactus patch.