He couldn't track a bed-wagon through a bog hole.


He was ugly as a burnt boot.


His mustache smelled like a mildewed saddle blanket after it had been rid on a soreback hoss three hundred miles in August.


His family tree was a shrub.


He ain't fit to shoot at when you want to unload and clean yo' gun.


He was so dumb he couldn't drive nails in a snowbank.


He don't know as much about it as a hog does a sidesaddle.


He knows as much about it as a hog does a hip pocket in a bathing suit.


He don't know dung from wild honey.


He didn't have nuthin' under his hat but hair.


His brain cavity wouldn't make a drinkin' cup for a canary bird.


He was as shy of brains as a terrapin is of feathers.


He's as crazy as popcorn on a hot stove.


He couldn't hit the ground with his hat in three throws.


His face was puckered like wet sheepskin before a hot fire.


He can't tell skunks from house cats.


She's so ugly, she could back a buzzard off a gut-wagon.


He was so ugly he had to sneak up on a dipper to get a drink of water.


He was so fat, you'd have to throw a diamond hitch to keep him in the saddle.


He was so mean, he'd fight a rattler and give him the first bite.


He was mean enough to eat off the same plate with a snake.


He's so crooked, he could swaller nails an' spit out corkscrews.


He was so lazy, molasses wouldn't run down his legs.


He was grittin' his teeth like he could bite the sites off a six-gun.


He's as crooked as a snake in a cactus patch.